An interesting fact (and I use the term quite loosely here) that you probably don’t know about me, because I’ve never shared it before, is that I have bipolar disorder. I don’t blog about it because there isn’t much to tell. I’m ever so slightly off my rocker, my poor husband still hasn’t figure out what to do about me and I am currently off my meds. But it’s ok because my doctor and I made that decision together.
I’m fairly lucky because I can live long periods, such as multiple years, without having to be truly medicated. It’s not only lucky because I don’t have to be on meds that make me feel like crap all the time, but also because I’m actually intolerant to nearly every medication known to man, including all the fun psych ones. I hate the way they make me feel anyway and I can’t write worth a damn when I’m on them.
The reason I bring this up is that I also have insomnia and insomnia and mania do not make good bedfellows. It’s 1:12am and I’ve read my book while simultaneously playing two different games and watching TV. It’s truly quite talented if you think about it. But what it also means is that I’m irritable. I suffer from hyper focus which is great when I’m in school and have a test, but not so great when I’m out of work due to injury and have a whole lot of nothing to focus on. It means that my husband gets the brunt of my poorly channeled energy in the form of snarky comments and general pissy behavior.
On the one hand, I’m incredibly productive during these times. I can bang out 7 blog posts in a single day, more if I’m up all night (like tonight). I can also finish laundry, while reading two different books while also cleaning the house from top to bottom. But I’m going to share with you my list of grievances with my current situation which has caused me to dislike one of my best and most quirky attributes:
- When you have insomnia but you work nights, you can do laundry and clean the house. When you are on a day schedule, you are confined to quietly watching TV on the couch and wanting to peel your skin off
- I also suffer from anxiety and mania with insomnia usually brings out my anxiety as well. I’m currently stressing about a friend coming over (forcing me to leave the house) and my fast approaching recheck with the surgeon.
- I did not get blessed with happy manic episodes. I do not get giddy and feel in love with the world. I get irritable and hate everyone and just want to be left alone to reorganize my closet, sorting my clothes by both color and then alphabetically by brand. (That is only a very, VERY mild exaggeration)
- Among the top people I hate are people who are blessed with happy mania, people who are actually happy and people who breath through their noses (or mouths. Makes no difference really)
Being bipolar has it’s up and downs. Get it? UPS and DOWNS? Come on, who doesn’t like a good pun? But really, it’s a give and a take. One the one hand, it is a driving force that helps fuel my creativity. I feel the world more strongly and have more intense reactions to it. It makes me quite quirky in my opinion. I have some rather strange habits such as wearing sweatshirts in summer (that is a whole other crazy blog post folks) and I have dogs because I was unable to leave the house alone for a while and I tend to be slightly odd and rather unusual in my tastes.
When you are unable to rely on your own body and mind to cooperate it forces you to adapt. I have adapted by staying awake when manic, but NOT giving into my more outrageous desires like repainting all of the moldings, windowsills and railings in my house. I might sit here for the rest of the night, but I won’t cave. And that whole organizing my closet? That totally happened. I didn’t alphabetize it, but it’s organized by style, then by color. And ALL of the clothing is facing the same direction. Each side of the closet faces the center.
You might call that crazy, and you’d be right.