I live a lot of my life in a silent denial. I have no delusions about what my husband does in the military. I have no delusions about what occurred during previous deployments, but sometimes, a little denial can do your heart some good and give your worrying mind some rest.
Because, once, I didn’t breath for an entire year. I lived a life carefully choreographed around certain radio stations, songs, television channels and websites. It’s one of the only ways I knew how to live alone for a year, knowing that my husband wasn’t away on a business trip. I lived a life carefully structured so that I always had a brave face for my friends and family, even if I was quietly crumbling apart on the inside.
It is not that I do not see what is going on. It is not that I am unaware that there is turmoil happening across the world. It is that, sometimes, I have to live in the moment and not allow myself to think too far into the future. Sometimes, I have to be able to sleep at night with only the worry of if my friend has given birth yet.
The time will come, someday down the road, where my life will not center around pending deployments, current ones or reintegration after one. There will come a day when I can wake up without the worry that my husband is gone, and I just dreamed he was home. Someday, I will start each day absolutely sure that I have not dreamed him into my life for the last few years.
I have talked before about our future. How unsure we are. But my husband recently re-upped for three more years. And, given the chance, he would volunteer to deploy tomorrow if he could. And the one thing he doesn’t understand is that the pride I feel towards his service doesn’t cancel out the constant state of worry I live in.
I know what kind of man my husband is. I know what kind of Marine he is. And knowing both of those things, I have no doubt how our next three years of life would play out if up to him.
So, I live in this funny little bubble of denial. I do not read the paper, I don’t watch the news and I never click on the links that my friends post about conflicts in this works. Because sometimes, I need the denial just to make it out of bed. Sometimes, I need my world to not be in a constant state of pre, peri or post deployment.
Sometimes, I need to be able to go through the day and just be in the moment, not holding my breath.