I have a variety of phrases I use in real life that I rarely use on my FB page or here on the blog.  Mostly because not only do I swear like a Marine, I also invent my own profanity.  Most people think the things I say are funny, but I’m aware that not everyone who reads my blog or who marries a Marine has the dirty mind, foul mouth and vulgar sense of humor I do.

ALL that said, I thought I would share some of my favorite things to say in real life and their definitions.  Keep in mind that these will be some of the more tame things I say, but those with sensitivities to awesome new swear words should stop reading HERE.  And those who are easily offended should stop reading HERE.  And the rest of you foul-brained suckers can commence with the laughing.

1. Sucks Monkey Balls -  Variations include the standard sucks balls, but I think sucks monkey balls is much better and much funnier.  Standard definitions I think are pretty obvious.  But it can be used in reference to behavior, attitude, how much something sucks, or just as a substitute for just plain stupid.  But, “that sucks giant monkey balls,” is way better than saying, “that sucks.”
2. Dumb Hooker – This can be both a compliment and an insult depending on context.  I might say, “Dude, then this dumb hooker cut me off.”  Or I might laugh and say, “Man, don’t be a dumb hooker.” Trust me, that’s about as endearing as I can be…
3. Blows Giant Chunks – This is a gentler way of saying sucks monkey balls. I usually use this on my FB page or when talking to my mom.
4. F’ that noise – I do actually say “eff” vs. the swear word.  This is a term I use to discount stuff.  I might say it in response to someone wanting me to do something stupid, “Drive to my house during rush hour traffic so you have to sit in your car at a dead stop for four hours.”  “F’ that noise!”  I truly have no idea when or why I started to say this. I don’t know what it means other than my invented definition.
5. All that and a bag of chips – This is not a swear word, but an insult.  Like, “She thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips.”  I will be frank, I grew up in a not so nice area and have been saying this since I was quite young.  My husband calls me “A Girl from the Block” and sings to the tune of Jenny from the Block, that truly terrible J-Lo song.  But I admit I hide my ghetto well… most of the time.  But not when I say “all that and a bag of chips.” (Can’t you just envision the head bob and finger snap that goes along with that?)
6. Speaking of ghetto, I also say, “Toe Up.”  I don’t want to talk about it.
7. Dude, Don’t Be an Ahole – Again, I pronounce it Ay Hole.  I also use this when talking to my mother, when texting or when emailing someone if I am unsure how they feel about the more vulgar things I might say.  It’s pretty self-explanatory, I just get a lot of people who wonder why I bother to say “Ay Hole”
8. Blerg – Yes, that is correct.  Not Bah, blerg.  I think I heard it on a show, but I’m not really sure.  What I am sure of is that I say it all the time.
9. Amazeballs – I didn’t make this one up, but it was a common phrase where I’ve lived in the past and I love that it’s made it main stream.  Amazeballs is a great way to saying something rocks.
10. 10. F***balls -  This is basically the opposite of Amazeballs.