Dear Matthew Broderick : A Love Letter

Dear Matthew Broderick //

While I recognize that you are a whole person who can drink older than I am, Monica and Richard made it work and I believe we can too. I’m not sure how many people will remember this little known film, but you did a version of Cinderella all those years ago.  I made my mother rent it from the video store nearly every week insisting that it would never get old.  At 5 years old, I had found my soul mate and just knew you and I were meant to be together. When I got older I was allowed to watch you in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and that movie only served to cement my love for you and the bond I just know we have.  I’m pretty sure you are also in love with me, you simply haven’t had the chance to realize it yet.  Don’t worry, you will. Continue reading

I Think My Neighbors are Serial Killers

I think my neighbors are serial killers //

In all fairness, my neighbor is probably just a socially awkward man with a rude wife.  But there is something to be said for those people who you wouldn’t be shocked to have police show up on your doorstep asking you questions about them.  He seems nice enough, but for someone we have lived next to for a number of years, we still don’t know much about him or his family. His son is a royal terror demon child who screams so loudly we can hear him (and that’s saying something because our town homes are pretty sound proof).  And every night I swear they are either moving furniture or they are the rare husband and wife serial killer team picking up hookers on the highway. I’d love to say that they are just moving furniture, but a little part of me thinks they might actually be serial killers.  I Continue reading

Real Conversations with A Girl: What Do YOU Feed Your Pets?

Real Conversations With A Girl //

In case there was ever any doubt as to exactly what I am like in real life, I will share with you a real conversation I had with a friend via text message.  I may joke that A Girl is my blogging persona, but I’m only half joking… ** This is part of a series I started a while ago that are all real, transcribed conversations I’ve had with friends.  They all give their permission for me to share them. Me: I’m so sick of people putting their animals on diets that are based on human physiology. Cats should not be Paleo. Her: My cats are vegetarian Me: LMAO Me: I only feed my dogs the blood of virgins Her: Bahaha.  No wonder it’s so expensive. Me: Yeah, virgin blood ain’t cheap, but, you know, I just feel so much better knowing that I’m doing the best thing for my Continue reading

Homemade Swear Words

Super Classy //

I have a variety of phrases I use in real life that I rarely use on my FB page or here on the blog.  Mostly because not only do I swear like a Marine, I also invent my own profanity.  Most people think the things I say are funny, but I’m aware that not everyone who reads my blog or who marries a Marine has the dirty mind, foul mouth and vulgar sense of humor I do. ALL that said, I thought I would share some of my favorite things to say in real life and their definitions.  Keep in mind that these will be some of the more tame things I say, but those with sensitivities to awesome new swear words should stop reading HERE.  And those who are easily offended should stop reading HERE.  And the rest of you foul-brained suckers can commence with the laughing. Sucks Monkey Continue reading

No, I’m Not Southern

I'm Not Souther //

So, one of the super awesome things about being a blogger that despises vlogging is that that none of you have ever heard my real voice.  I like that.  I like that because it means that you all have a strange version of what I sound like locked away in your mind and I bet none of you have guessed correctly. The reason I love this fact is that no one ever knows where I’m from.  I get asked on a regular basis if I’m from this place or that.  It’s rare that anyone guesses I’m from Washington, let alone Seattle.  Between my regular use of “y’all” and my love of the word catawampus, you’d be hard pressed to figure out where I grew up. The truth is I have a strange and muddled accent of a woman whose family grew up in the country, but moved away before she Continue reading

Sometimes Having Your Spouse Home is Exactly Like a Bed of Roses

Sometimes Having Your Husband Home is EXACTLY Like a Bed of Roses //

Somewhere along the line it was decided that military spouses are never allowed to complain, even when joking.  I’m not sure where this rule comes from, but I find it really ridiculous and very hard to live up to. The fact of the matter is that no matter how often or how long my husband and I are separated, we are still married.  This means that normal married stuff happens, like bickering, fighting, and down right freezing the other out because you are mad.  Being separated may make us appreciate what we have, and I do miss his pile of stinky shoes in my entry way when he’s not here, but it still bugs me when he is. The dirty cammies stinking up the house, the stinky boots and general mess is only endearing for the first few days he’s back.  After that, I fully expect my husband to return Continue reading

An Ode To My Accountant

An Ode to My Accountant //

For whatever insane reason, my husband and I, whom have never done our own taxes, decided this was a good year to do it.  You know, with my weird work history and illness stuff, his military service, business expenses and all kinds of random other crap that makes life confusing.  I asked my mother how hard it was to use Turbo Tax and she, who has an accounting degree, said it was easy.  I even clarified, “easy for someone with an accounting degree, or actually easy?”  She insisted it was easy. She lied. It’s not that I can’t or won’t figure it all out, but man, I miss my accountant.  So, while harassing a friend with tax law questions and Googling until my fingers bled, I penned this little ditty for my accountant, whom I miss dearly, feel is incredibly under paid (don’t tell her that though) and am hoping Continue reading

Life Lessons Learned from Ebay

Life Lessons Learned From Ebay

I used to use eBay all the time and then, one day, I stopped. is so much easier to use a lot of the time and my knowledge of eBay got filed in the back of my brain in the “Defunct Knowledge” section.   But recently a friend reminded me about it and said she buys stuff on there all the time. I purchased some dog chews first, just to test the waters…. And now, I think eBay is the Devil.  Not to say it’s not a fabulous market place full of amazing products.  And we were very happy with the dog chews.  But as time went on, I discovered the phone app, then the iPad app; I discovered watch lists and the indecisive person in me turned into a crazed monster. I have recently needed to purchase Photoshop Elements.  I would like the newest edition, but can settle for Continue reading

The Facts of Life

One thing that I hear a lot, but also hate to hear, is the term, “the facts of life.”  I could make an argument that the facts of my life are not the facts of yours; therefore, that statement is a gross overgeneralization of the world.  For instance, how do we all know that we all see the color green the same?  For all I know what I see as green, you see as purple, but we have been conditioned to call it the same thing.  Lame example, I know, but it’s one my husband uses on me all the time when he lacks a stronger argument. So, I figured I’d relay some facts of my life to you all and you can judge for yourself if they apply to yours.   Fact:  You can’t reason with dogs that are smarter than you.  Not because you can’t reason with dogs, Continue reading

My Husband is a Super Hero

My husband has this impeccable ability to find anything he is looking for in about three seconds.  It doesn’t matter where in the house he is, he can hone in on it using some kind of unseen finder radar.  He knows where to find his favorite sweats, the miscellaneous extra bathroom stock, and the random kitchen utensils we have but have never used until just now. I have never understood this gift he possesses.  I can’t even remember if I replied to an email I read thirty minutes ago.  You want me to multi-task? Done.  You need me to remember the vital signs of seven of the last ten patients I saw in the last hour? No problem.  You need to find your keys? They are under the dinning room chair because they fell out of your pocket.  But for the life of me, I am not a random finder.  Continue reading