I keep a little “sticky note” on my computer that has a list of blog topics and other ideas, quotes and various things blog related. It’s one of those little electronic ones so it can kind of go on forever. Some of the topics get erased after a while, because I’ve lost inspiration for it and it never came back. Others stay indefinitely because I want to get that inspiration back and others are just waiting for me to have time to write them.
This sticky note has become a catch all for blog junk. Quotes, tidbits and other such nonsense that I keep in one spot and scroll through randomly when I need to. But one topic that has been there has eluded me for a long time now. My top fears. It’s not that I don’t know what those fears are, it’s that, like most things in my life, there are categories. I have fears that are irrational ones I held onto since childhood. There’s emotional fears, military related fears, creepy crawly fears and general fears. It can be a tough topic to cover in one blog post. I could write a series and probably still not encompass exactly all of them, or all the categories.
Before I dive into what I’ve decided to write this blog post about, let’s look at some of these silly little things we call fears and where some of mine stem from.
First, there’s spiders. If you aren’t afraid of spiders I truly believe you have some form of damage to the brain. My fear is so phobic in nature (a true phobia being an excessive and often illogical fear) that I have rules that govern how all spiders must be dealt with. Such as, if my husband isn’t home, said spider must be jailed into the room it was found. So, if I find it in the bathroom, the room is closed, and a towel is placed under the door for good measure. If he is home, the spider must be smashed in a napkin and then flushed down the toilet. It’s not option to kill it in any other manner, nor dispose of it in anyway that is not flushed down the toilet. I’ve seen spiders crawl back up sink drains.
Next up, we’ll look at an emotional fear: I have a fear of not being believed. This sounds very silly, but it is actually so deeply feared that I have nightmares about it. I have horrible nightmares that something awful happens and I must warn everyone, but no one will believe me. I wake up panicked. This I’m sure has a root deep in my childhood, but I have never figured out exactly where in my childhood it is seated. All I know is that I’ve had this fear as long as I can remember.
And, since we are discussing childhood fears, how about the dark. Which is what this post is truly about. My confession to you all, is that I am a grown woman who is still deeply afraid of the dark. Not in a “cry when the lights are off” kind of way, but in a way that have shaped most of how I deal with things. For instance, when I arrive home, I start by turning on the light in the hall, then I move seamlessly from one room to the next without ever having been in a room without a light on. It’s a carefully choreographed dance that I perform everyday of my life, no matter where I am. I have never outgrown this fear.
As a child, I slept half in my doorway and half in the hall off and on for years. The hall light would be left on until I fell asleep and I would sleep like that all night. Night-lights simply wouldn’t do the trick and I’ve spent a lot of time laughing at the very concept of them for children’s security purposes. As an adult, I’m capable of being in the dark, it’s more of a preference that I don’t. But I supposed it can’t truly be as simple as being a preference when you have spent your whole life creating the means of never being in a dark room. Even if I’m walking up the stairs and my husband turns off the hall light a little too early, I freeze. I don’t panic, I just yell up to tell him to turn it back on, but I freeze none the less, which I’m sure would cause this fear to be on the verge of being a phobia.
Why I never out grew it, I will never know. Why I still fail to move past it, I also will probably never understand. But so far, it’s been a harmless fear to have, so I’ve never been interested in working past it either.
The only true phobias I have that would probably benefit from being worked through are clowns and zombies, or newest (ever since Zombieland hit theaters) fear: Zombie Clowns. But those are best left to be explained another time. But trust me when I tell you, that the last thing you want is for me to start explaining my more rational fears, because once I do, they may not seem so silly to you anymore.
But it does make me wonder if everyone else has these little phobias, irrational fears left over from childhood, or any really silly fears such as mine at all. Am I the only adult who doesn’t fear more normal things like IRS audits? Or is there a whole secret life that we ALL lead that is comprised of the fears we don’t want others to know that we still secretly harbor?