I Am Not Strong

iamnotstrongI am not a strong military wife.  I did not spend my husbands deployment “keeping busy” as all the advice suggests.  I did not have a calm and cool exterior.  I did not keep my fear bottled up inside so that others would never guess the inner turmoil I was facing.

I sat on my couch in my pajamas for nearly a year.  I took three months off from school.  I nearly failed my last set of finals.  I read books that were stupid because I couldn’t allow myself to think.  I hid in my house so that I didn’t have to interact with a public that didn’t understand.  I cried at commercials that depicted even the smallest amount of cammo colored anything.  I was not strong.

I am still not strong.

I have a blog.  This blog allows me to put out my emotions and fears so that those around me might think I am cool, calm and collected at any given moment.  But the truth is, one not so special day in April marked another anniversary of the last day that I could ever say that I had been a strong person.  Because that was the last day that my life was even remotely normal and non-threatening.

One, not so special day, my husband boarded a bus for an undisclosed airport and my life changed.  In an instant, in a millisecond, I went from being your average gal, twenty-something years old, worrying about shoes and what was on TV to a young woman, who wasn’t quite sure if her husband was alive and who hadn’t heard from him in ten days and was simply trying not to panic with each second that passed.

You see, I thought I was strong.  But when all you have to worry about is that little piece of hair that won’t lay flat in your ponytail, it’s pretty easy to think so.  And that quote, “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.”  Yeah, I think that quote is a whole lot of crap.  This life, this strange and unique and often wonderful life we call being married to a military man is full of times when we should be strong, but find we can’t be.  It’s full of times when we should have patience, but find there is none left.  It’s full of times when we are supposed to understand, but find that understanding is the last thing we want to be.

I am not strong.  It’s not that I had a choice to be anything other than strong, it’s that when it came down to it, when the doors were closed and the shades drawn, when the public wasn’t watching and there was no one near by to hear, I was not strong.  I was anything but.

About A Girl

A Girl is a 20 something blogger who began blogging in 2008 as a means of coping with a deployment. She is a Veterinary Technician by trade and loves her work in Emergency and Critical Care. She is married to a 11 year veteran of the USMC reserves, whom she meet shortly after he returned from a deployment. They have been married for four years, have three, very bratty dogs, and are currently trying to muddle through the aftermath of a difficult deployment for both.

24 thoughts on “I Am Not Strong

  1. You are strong because you are still there, waiting for him. You still hold on and keep the home for him. That is strongness for me. Not the school, not anything else. Weekness would be not care or forget him. Choose someone else so you wouldn’t need to feel the pain. You are strong because you choose the pain for him.
    Joanna Sormunen recently posted…Your neighbour is the holiest object presented to your sensesMy Profile

  2. My husband was in Vietnam for a year. It’s awful. I had a job so I had to get up every day. If a person hasn’t gone through this they can’t know how hard it is. All you want to do is be with him. That was 40 odd years ago. It’s been a rocky road, I won’t say it’s been easy. No relationship is easy (or I should say not many are easy). But we are still together, still trying to make it work, still loving each other…. best wishes to you. Linda

  3. Fellow military wife here. Thank you for sharing the some of the reality of being married to the military. It takes true strength to be this honest. Glad I found you.
    Sara recently posted…Twisted MixTape: British Invasion (of my playlist)My Profile

  4. Thanks for being honest about your struggles! I think military wives do each other a disservice by keeping up the “superhero” front all the time. I struggle, too. I am not strong all the time.

    Semper Wifey
    http://www.semperwifey.blogspot.com
    Semper Wifey recently posted…Put away the pumpkins…My Profile

    • Sometimes I think so too. We are pretty quite to romanticize it (even though it’s not on purpose that we do) and sometimes I think it’s important for us all to remember that it’s normal to struggle with this life sometimes.

  5. Wow!! It’s very touching and true… I am not strong either… not at all… I love your honesty.
    Isabelle Goyer recently posted…The kids are (soon) back to school? Maybe this is THE Opportunity You have been waiting for…My Profile

  6. Awesome post. Thank you and your husband for your service. I’ve live near a military base my entire life so I get it. :). Good luck in Blogger Idol!
    Angela recently posted…Ladies Only Blog Share: Plus One Event!My Profile

  7. Wow. This is so strong and so true. I was pregnant with our first kiddo when my Fiance went on his second deployment, and we were going through a really hard time…it sucked. Deployments are different for everyone, but they are never easy.

    I’m a new follower from the Weekend Social blog hop :) Would love it if you checked out and followed my blog too!

    Celena
    http://mystayathomemamalife.blogspot.com/

  8. I love your honesty here. It’s very hard to be strong and no one is all of the time. Some people are more open about it than others but truth be told, my husband’s deployments tear me apart inside. xo
    Sue // As It Seems recently posted…Moving On, Starting OverMy Profile

  9. I came across your blog from another blogger. I too believe I was not strong. My husband is also in the Reserves and it is SO difficult to navigate through a deployment when your community does not understand. I always hear, like you said, the expectations of what a Military Spouse should be like and how we are supposed to go about our life. I couldn’t. Sure I was in school and worked part time but most nights I’d fall apart. I kept going because I had no other choice. But I dread ever having to go through it again. I wonder, how have you and your husband dealt with this? My husband came back a couple years ago and we are still dealing with how tough it was, for both (in different ways). We are also both 20 somethings, but we live in NY. Imagine how small the military community is here. You are not alone!!

  10. My husband sent me this quote at the beginning of this deployment when I was having a really hard time.

    Strength is not the ability to hold it together and not break down, true strength of character is knowing that you will break down and being able to work through it with the support of everyone you love.

    We all break down, some of us are strong enough to admit it. I think thats the only difference. I would have way more PJ days if I did not have two midgets keeping me busy. You are strong in the ways that matter you made it through. :)
    Crystal recently posted…This is real life! (Homefront update)My Profile

  11. You are stronger than you think! Don’t sell yourself short :) xoxo
    Jackie recently posted…Find & Follow FridayMy Profile

  12. There’s strength in sticking it out and in staying. There’s strength is admitting you’re not strong. Sometimes all you can do it take it one minute at a time.
    Poekitten recently posted…Breastfeeding In PublicMy Profile

  13. None of us can be strong all the time. We’re all entitled to our fears.
    Shell recently posted…Why We’re Not Getting Ready for Kindergarten: Pour Your Heart OutMy Profile

  14. Hey there! Here from the Blog Hop and I just liked your Facebook page :o) Hope you’ll get a chance to visit my page; you can find me here:

    Facebook
    https://www.facebook.com/pages/Cropped-Stories/615495055132216

  15. Love this post. Why? The honesty & the true, raw emotion. deployments are hard and I’ve never felt so weak & alone in my life – until I faced my first deployment. I didn’t hide my fear or concern either. I also cried.. everyday. I stayed in my condo as much as possible. The military wife club isn’t a fun club – it’s not filled with perks and awards as it’s broadcasted.
    Thank you for sharing … <3, Amy
    Amy recently posted…April 30th, 2013My Profile

  16. I have often felt that way too. When I run to my room many times during the day just to cry into my pillow, I do not feel very strong at all. *hugs*

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