A Collection of Things My Heart Aches For

There is no rhyme or reason as to why, but for some reason I rarely share my dreams with the lovely readers who join me here on this blog.  I share my irritations, my frustrations, my pain and the things that make me laugh.  Heck, I even share embarrassing stories about myself to show you all why it’s ok you are who you are, because at least you aren’t me… But, the truth is, I’m a very private person in a lot of ways.  It takes a lot to get to know the real me and I don’t have many friends who I truly, in my heart, feel close to.  My husband is probably the only person in the world who knows me all that well, and even then, I sometimes have a hard time wanting to tell him my secret dreams.

So, in light of this realization, I felt it was high time to share a few things with you that have been weighing heavily in the far distance of my dream world.

I currently cannot look at pictures of Paris, London, or Edinburgh.  We were looking at art work the other day and the most lovely painting of Paris was one of them and it physically hurt to look at.  I spent my whole life dreaming of making it to Europe one day.  I don’t know that I’ve ever wanted something so much as I wanted to have at least one stamp in my passport.  Planning a trip of my dreams for an entire year was beyond my wildest hopes.  Spending 2 weeks in Europe seeing all the things I had dreamed of seeing was something I spend 2 weeks not believing was real.  I would wake up each morning and, before I opened my eyes, would think, “What a lovely dream.” And I thought I might cry each time I realized it was real.  No, our trip wasn’t perfect.  My husband was still in his funk (still is I might add) but I didn’t let that spoil a true life dream come true.  My heart dreams of going back.  My sincerest wish is to move there, or return for another long trip.  I want to spend more time in Edinburgh, I want to revisit all the places we went to and view them with fresh eyes.  I want to see the subtle nuances I didn’t notice the first time and feel the awe of walking through buildings that have stone worn smooth from centuries of existence.  I loved Europe more than I thought I would and it hurts to see pictures and know that I am not there.

Another thing I rarely discuss with anyone is another deep dream of mine.  I had always wanted to own a home.  Something that was mine, where I could wake up each day and love the time spent there.  I wanted to have the pride of decorating, painting and filling a home with touches that were a little bit of me.  The Boy never seemed to care either way.  When he was deploying, I talked to him about buying a house.  He understood this deep craving of mine… Well, he didn’t, but he respected it.  So, he bought me a house. (I’m not even kidding.  We own a home because he wanted me to have it, it also just so happened that we could afford it because the market had just hit rock bottom)  I unpacked, loved it, and lived in it while he was gone.  I didn’t do anything to it until he got home, but have been spending the last few years painting and decorating.  Thank God for Pinterest because it combines my craftiness with new ideas from others and tips on how to save money while still having awesome stuff.  But I’ve always known that nothing was ever going to be perfect unless I built my own home.  That was something The Boy and I agreed on.  We have talked ever since getting married that it would be a starter home first, a real home second and thirdly, building our dream home.  Last year, we decided to cut out the second step.  We are currently shopping for 40 acres of vacant land.  Then we will begin the process of building our dream home.  If you follow me on Pinterest, my “For my dream home” board is not just a dream, it’s a collection of things I think are amazing that I want to think about putting in my actual dream home.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about this goal.  We are financially preparing for it.  We plan to buy the land, pay it off, then begin building.  It’s going to be as “green” as we can make it, not just because of my social conscious, but because we are looking at being out in the middle of no where and will need to be semi self sufficient.  It is so hard when I find the most amazing pieces of property and know we are not quite to the place to buy yet.  But we hope to buy the land in the next couple of years, though we are likely to wait to build anything for a number of years after.

The reason for so much land? Another thing I ache for.  Horses.  Just today my husband and I discussed horses again.  We talk about it every month or so.  We strongly disagree on it.  We both want horses, that’s not the issue, but I want a hot blooded horse, a Thorough Bred to be exact and he wants a warm blooded horse, a Quarter Horse to be exact.   I love to ride english and he rides western.  I want a covered/heated arena, he says I’ll be lucky to have it covered.  I want my dream barn with large stalls, a dream tack room and heated water in the bathing area, oh, and I want it attached to the arena.  He thinks a standard barn should be good enough.  But I found a place that builds my dream barn and does it for an amazing price.  I dream of mucking stalls, riding my stubborn horse and racing across my property. I miss riding so much.  But we don’t own any horses right now and, even though my riding lessons were dirt cheap, they are not in the budget when we are trying to save up to buy land, while redoing our house, while paying off our debt and everything else. Sigh.  (for the record we plan to have two horses, so I really don’t see why I can’t have a TB and he his QH and us both being happy)

I dream of goats.  Pygmy Goats to be exact.  I love them.  I always have and I want to have a giant paddock full of them.  The Boy says I can have ONE goat to be a companion to my horse.  I say, one goat per horse… And it won’t be my fault when they are a boy and a girl and have babies.  HAHA! But every time I think about life in my future, I see horses and goats.  I would see pigs and cows, but Hubs hates them both and I know I won’t win that battle.

And the last thing my heart aches for is really quite simple.  You see, pretty much since the time my husband and I got our first apartment together, we have had different work schedules.  At that time, I worked nights and he worked days.  For a while I was a housewife and love it. Then I went back to school and he worked days and I went to night classes.  Then I got a job working days, but I STARTED work at 5am and thus was asleep by the time he got home.  We just can’t seem to find a balance.  For 5 months I worked as a Vet Tech at a day practice, but that was the only time we were on similar schedules.  I now work nights on the weekends and he works days during the week.  We see each other, but not a lot.  Toss in how often he is gone for military duty and we spend more time apart then together.  I see pictures of my friends and cousins out with their spouses taking lovely walks, doing fun things on the weekends and generally spending quality time together.  I would love nothing more than to have more quality time with The Boy.  I would love to walk the dogs together and go to the park sometimes.  Simply things really, but just nice time together on a hike or even just strolling through the neighborhood.  He works such long hours that he is not home until very late and is too tired to do things like that on weekdays.  And I’m too tired on the weekends because of my long work hours.  I dream of a time when we will finally have real time together.  I wish I could go back to being a housewife, but my extra income is what is helping us be able to accelerate some of our dream home plans.  And, I honestly really like what I do, even though I sometimes bitch about a female dominated field, my current job and crew is pretty great.

It’s strange the things that your heart dreams.  And, lately, it feels like my heart aches more than ever for some of these things.  Sometimes I think that is why I blog, why I work late, why I clean so much, and why I craft.  These are all things that distract me from aching for the things my heart is reminding me I’ve always dreamed of.  We are working towards our dreams, both of us, but sometimes, my heart is impatient.