I have a hard time sleeping.  I’ve had insomnia for years, and one thing insomnia is good for (or bad for depending on the night) is a reflection of yourself.

I’ve asked the question “Who am I?”  But tonight, it seems to be more of a “Where do I belong and why?”  I feel out of place in this world.  I fill my life with time.  I fill my life with a running schedule, a training schedule, a cleaning schedule, a work schedule, but really, in the in between, I’ve got nothing.  I’m a talker without much worth saying.

I started this blog so many years ago to have a place to spew out my thoughts in the form of word vomit because I had no one in my life to listen.  I am finding that, four years later, my blog may be the only real thing in my life.  It’s the place I can’t wait to share news, that I seek advice and understanding and that I look to to feel like I’m being heard…

But am I?  Maybe.  I don’t really know for sure.

We are all looking for the right fit, whether it be in our workplace, our family, our hobbies, it doesn’t really matter.  Everyone wants to find that comfortable place in life.  I have a blog.  And some days, it seems that I have it purely to feel important.  Because we all want to know that we matter, that somewhere in this world, someone cares what we have to say.  And that is not always an easy thing to find.

So, I have a blog.  A secret blog that less than five people I know in real life know about and even fewer read.  I have a place that I can tell myself I am special, even if no one else knows about it.  It’s a place that I cannot share, no matter what fabulous thing comes from it.  I have “met” some amazing people, who have become people that I consider friends.  And I have begun to realize that this secret place I turn to is the only place I turn to now… And I’m not sure if that means I feel like I’ve have found that place that I fit, or if I’m telling myself that because I have nowhere else…